Saturday May 5, 2001
ACIDFast Racing's Dubé is Defeated by Rono of Kenya
AMA Pro Racing Regular Upholds Honor by Defeating 15,818 Others in Tremendous Effort in the 25th Running of the Mini
Against all odds, M. Philip Dubé, star AMA ProThunder racer and Indianapolis resident, sought today to challenge the status quo in elite distance racing. Issuing his own challenge to the dominant Kenyan runners, Dubé set out with a single goal: Win the 25th running of the Indianapolis Mini-Marathon, the world's largest half-marathon distance race. "Some so-called experts tried to tell me I was crazy," admitted the stoic, yet fragrant, Dubé. "But I said, Kenyan-Schmenyan! I don't give one erupting iota. I am a freaking American, and we got the biggest freaking bombs in the world. We oughta be able to dominate this too." Battling back from a series of injuries sustained at the Daytona International Speedway during the opening round of the AMA Pro Racing series just 2 months earlier, including a partial amputation of this left pinky finger, Dubé was optimistic. "Yeah, I'm gonna give everyone a high four-and-a-half down Victory Mile."
Once again believed to be the sole race entrant wearing an official Ducati Corse racing hat, Dubé set off towards his lofty goals with over 19,000 others under cool gray skies at 8:03 AM from picturesque downtown Indianapolis. Conditions were perfect as the throng dove out towards the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, home of the United States Formula 1 Grand Prix as well as certain lesser-known local racing series. Despite tremendous expectations, Dubé quickly fell behind, victim of a surprising series of set-backs. "Yeah, first they told me I would have to start behind this pack of women," complained the irascible, yet conical, Dubé. "Elite my left butt cheek. How'm I gonna get at those dudes in the front when I gotta deal with all of them first? Then, somebody gave me a flat. And my dog ate my number plate. Then, this group of dopers on top of some warehouse building started whipping bongs at me. Next thing I knew, I think I saw this cat standing by the railroad tracks playing the bagpipes. I simply HAD to slow down."
Ultimately, it was Rono setting the pace for the field, triumphing with a time of 1:02:14. "I was devastated," admitted the slumping, yet irrevocable, HIV researcher. "Here I was sucking down some Double Caffeine Tangerine Power-Gel at mile 7 running down the front straight at the Speedway, and I looked up at the big TV screen and saw this cat already nearing the starting line. I'm thinkin, DUDE, I'm hosed, I got 6 more miles to go. Now how'd they like it if I came to Kenya and won all their motorcycle races? Answer me that, mister smellpants." Unfazed, Dubé set out for his arch-rival HackSaw Batteiger and other Americans.
Alas, Batteiger was proving to be more than 2 and a half minutes faster per mile, a deficit Dubé quickly surmised was out of his reach. Ultimately, Hacksaw finished in 1:32:55. "Big freaking deal. I bet I can bench way more than him anyway," concluded the sincere, yet perforated, Dubé. "Plus, chicks DIG me. Anyhoo, I figure now I'll go after Crabb. Yeah, sure, he is the Chief of Medicine, but so what, that doesn't make him better than me. He only did a 2:23 last year."
Despite Crabb's remarkable improvement to a time of 2:08:24 in the 2001 race, it was not nearly enough to hold off the charging Dubé. Sensing the opportunity to defeat numerous other people, the ACIDFast Racing Ducati pilot put his head down and ramped up his efforts, passing dozens of other racers down Victory Mile. At the end, a 1:56:29 finish was the reward as Dubé defeated 15,818 fellow competitors in the historic event. "You betcha. I figured, I ain't winnin' this one, I am losing," surmised the xenophobic, yet incandescent, physician. "SO, lemme see how many people are gonna have to lose TO ME! I only beat 9,991 in the Chicago marathon http://www.acidfast.com/chi-mar00.html, so 15 grand is rather awesome doncha know. And this race was half as long. Wicked cool. Just don't get me started, don't EVEN get me started."
ACIDFast Racing www.acidfast.com will be back on track next week at Indiana's Putnam Park Raceway www.putnampark.com . "I'd like to see if those Kenya dudes can out-brake me going into the chicane. That'll be the day. I'll pull a two-fingered stoppie and flip 'em the bird as I draft by."
tests administered, Mini Marathon results called into question.
CLICK HERE to read about this shocking development